Everyone has heard the first step in facing a problem is to admit there is one. Today I’ve decided to cop to all things I’ve been fighting against and trying not to be. I’m going to admit these things to myself and to whoever reads this. I have a long list of things I need to admit are true.
The first thing on this list that is hard for me to own up to is my weight. My weight has been an issue for me as long as I can remember. I don’t have a healthy relationship with food. I had a rare stomach disorder which made eating excruciating and later that night I would throw up everything I’d eaten that day. So I stopped eating or I would eat everything I enjoyed the taste of and then it would hurt so I would make myself throw up. It changed the way I thought about food. It lead to what was referred at the time as Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. My therapist at the time (I was 13) said it came more from the fear of food and the fear I was missing out on something by not eating. That’s right FoMo can caused my non specified eating disorders! For many years food and I have had a very love/hate thing. But diet or lifestyle changes to loose weight or even feel healthier have all failed because I still have this relationship with food. I’m currently at the beginning stages of therapy and this is just one of many issues I’ve tried to smile or joke about to people who know and something I’ve tried to hide from people who didn’t. I look at successful girls and most of them are thin and gorgeous. My body type wasn’t meant to be extremely thin. I was made to have curves. It’s time I admitted that I’m fat now. It’s okay to say it. Fat isn’t a bad word and it doesn’t hold you back. Your weight can’t hold you back unless you allow it. For every girl you wished you looked like there is another girl who would love to look like you.
The second thing I need to admit... more to myself instead of the world is that I have multiple chronic illnesses that make me disabled. Currently I’m stuck on bed rest and off work because my back is so messed up and has compressed nerves in my spine that make moving, (especially my right leg) extremely difficult and painful to do. This has been the major thing holding me back for years and years now. Sometimes I’m afraid if I wasn’t sick I wouldn’t know what to be or do. The freedom of that is scary to me. But so is the constant pain and not knowing when my health will fail. It’s scary either way so instead of letting it get me down I need to learn to except it. I want to be able to love myself enough to finally start making vlogs, insta stories, blog post, fashion post. I want to be able to have my picture taken and not be disgusted. I want to be able to use my cane and not feel like it’s presents makes me ugly. I should be proud and happy to show off my cane. It’s the reason I can even stand now. It’s hard not to let these kinds of physical limitations hold you back.
The last thing I’m admitting to is something I’ve been working the hardest on within myself. It wasn’t until I heard a specific song and song lyric that my mind made the connection. I’ve spent so long trying to hold back what I was feeling or trying to make myself not feel anything. But the second I heard Sam Smith sang, “I’m done hating myself for feeling” I knew that this was the real answer to my problem. I don’t need to pull back my feelings. I don’t need to pretend I don’t feel anything. Everyone has feelings and my best friend Kara, always likes to remind me that my feelings are valid. That most any feeling you have about a situation is valid because nobody will ever experience it just like you again. So I’ve been working on embracing my feelings and I feel like keeping a blog and updating it with my journal will be very helpful to me in this crazy journey of life.
The point in this post wasn’t to make anyone feel sorry for me or me seeking attention. It’s basically me screaming into the internet void because I know not a lot of people will even read this. But this was important for me and my journey of being a human. I need to admit I am these things. I need to embrace them so I can learn how to live the life I’ve been given and not the one I imagined. By waiting until I’m not fat or sick to do things has been holding back for years and I’m finished letting it.
These are photos from two points in my life that my eating disorder was at its height.
These are photos from two points in my life that my eating disorder was at its height.
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