Body Talk



It's 5am on a Monday and I'm up writing this when I should be sleeping. This is all thanks to my good friend prednisone. Sometimes it keeps me up all night and other times it doesn't affect me.  But making me have crazy sleeping habits isn't the only thing that prednisone has changed in my body.

It's time to get real. When we picture somebody who is "sick" we usually think super thin, super pale, looks like a vampire or zombie walking among us. This is just not true. In most cases being sick is invisible to everyone but the person who is going through it. One of the hardest things for me since I became sick has been loving my body. Not only has certain medicines and other medical related things caused me to gain weight like crazy but my body doesn't work right more than half the time and it is almost always hurting somewhere. It's hard for me to recall a day where I wasn't in pain or my pain wasn't so bad that it wasn't nagging me in my head about all the things we have trouble doing now.

I'm very insecure about how round my face has become since taking steroids and the fact that I have a goiter that can be seen from the outside on my neck makes it really hard to look in the mirror and feel pretty. Sometimes I feel like the girl I was before is completely gone and I keep trying to get back to her but you can't go back you can only move forward. I worked hard on having confidence before all of these medical issues and chronic condition cropped up but here I am starting from scratch and feeling like a teenage girl again. Just trying to figure out how to reconcile the two Katies. The Katie who is sick, who wants to be outspoken and advocate not only for herself but for others like her. Then there is the Katie who is still a 24 year old who wants to go out or go over to a friend's for drinks but ends up staying home because her joints or muscles are hurting again so she loses all the self esteemed she'd built up over the course of the week because she did 'productive' things. I have feelings this battle is going to last a while and the two Katies will exist separately in most ways forever.  But that doesn't mean I'm not going to try and change the things I can control like my diet and exercise habits.

At the end of October my wonderful brother started meal prepping for me and the course of the month I've lost ten pounds. His goal for was never weight loss because he thinks I'm perfect. His goal was consistency and making healthy food choices in hopes that it helps lessen my flare ups and the swelling in my joints.

I've not been so good on our meal the past week but in the words of Nick, "I'm going to start slaying the game," again today. It's Monday, I'm awake at 5:30am there is no better time to do a little yoga and have some overnight oats.

Weekend Getaway





It's been forever since I've left the state of Kentucky. Don't get me wrong Kentucky is my favorite place on Earth but I've been in a rut lately of stressing about being sick and finding a new job. So one of my family friends decided we all needed to get out of Kentucky for the weekend. She booked us a couple in Nashville at the Sheraton for the weekend of Eclipse because Nashville was in the totality zone.

Traveling in a car is never ideal. But when you have a chronic illness it can be pure torture. So by the time we made it there I was pretty exhausted. My friend, Laura, and I were sharing a room. Laura is like an older sister to me. I'm always confiding and sharing things with her. She also has a lot of the same joint pain, stomach problems, swelling, and etc. that I do. So it makes her super easy to talk to about medical things. The only difference between us is I'm living in the land of the diagnosed and she is living the hell that belongs to those without a diagnosis. So after the car ride we were both totally wiped out. When we checked into our room we crashed on our beds, missing dinner and instead watching old Angela Lansbury movies on TCM. Not what you would call a crazy night but definitely one of my favorite ways to unwind.

The next morning we woke up and went to breakfast in the hotel dinning area. Then Laura and I took naps before heading out to dinner at the Texas de Brazil steak house. Laura and I decided we felt well enough to go out and experience some Nashville night life. We went to a bar where they put on a burlesque show. It was super crowded because everyone was in town for the eclipse. We had a couple drinks at the burlesque bar then we went to one of the many bars in Nashville that play live music. This bar was a lot less crowded and the band was really great. They covered some of my favorite songs. I had enough drinks in me to tell the lady in front of me who was with her daughters that I didn't think she looked old enough to have daughters that could drink.

Then we went home where Laura and I proceeded to have a three hour heart to heart while simultaneously watching Carry Grant movies on TCM.




The next morning we decide to have breakfast at the place Laura and I slept through dinner on Saturday evening. It was the day of eclipse and I got to tell you I wasn't nearly as excited as I should have been because I didn't know what to expect and I'm definitely not an outside person. Especially now because being in the sun triggers flare ups of my Sjogren's Symptoms. But I knew this was a once in a lifetime kind of deal to see the eclipse in the path of totality. Let me tell you if you weren't in the path then you missed one of the most special things I've ever experienced. For a moment when the moon finally and fully blocked out the sun I got a rush! The day turning dark and the crickets singing in the middle of day is of the most amazing experience. Words can't ever describe and pictures and video will never do it justice.

So after the eclipse was over and we watched the sun come back into view. We headed home. The car ride was tiresome and I've had a flare up from the travel for the past two days but it was worth to see such an amazing event with some of the people I love most in the world. I really do feel privileged to have a woman like Denise, who loves me like her own child, also works to include in these amazing things.

A lot can change in a year. You can lose/gain weight. You can make new friends and say goodbye to old ones. You can maintain good health or you can find out you have a chronic incurable illness. You can lose sight of goals and dreams or you can achieve them. The only guarantee in life is just how fast and much things can. And a year is a pretty significant amount of time passed.

When I wrote my first blog post over a year ago that stated I wanted to be closer I didn't know just how much my life would change yet stay the same. When I wrote the blog post about closing over a year ago I was inspired and I felt like my life was on an upswing. I mean I'd been struggling with health issues and chronic pain issues for a while but I had four surgeries to help fix those issues. So I was convinced that 2016 would be my year. I found a retail job, started making videos, and started my last semester of college.

January was a good month I put out a video every week and worked good hours at my retail job getting hands on experience in my field of study. But time went on and January turned into February. During which I was still putting out videos consistently. But slowly my body started to wear down in a way I didn't except. I was tried more frequently and my ankles would hurt after being on them for short periods of time. In March I became less consistent with a weekly video post. Instead of wanting to film after work or on my days off I wanted to rest. I thought maybe it was normal and I just need to get back into the groove of retail life. So in April I made my last video for what would be an extended absence on YouTube. It was a makeup tutorial and giveaway for finally reaching 400 subscribers after I had been stuck at 382 for over a year. It was not my intention to stop after that video. I just knew I was tired and in more pain than I should be.

So I let go of making videos. I kept telling myself and my best friend, Kara, who at the time was helping me film and I was helping her by letting her use my camera, that we would get back to filming and editing soon. Kara watched me become a person I thought I was passed being. The person who cancels plans last minute to stay home and sleep. But she never once made me feel guilty. Even before we knew what was truly going on.

It wasn't until June that I decided to go to the doctor and get my swelling and aching joints checked. In a matter of months I was diagnosed with Sjogren's Syndrome, which is an autoimmune disease that causes your body to attack moisture producing glands in your body. I will link some websites that have a more in depth description for those who are interested.

Links to Sjogren's information:
http://www.sjogrens.org/home/about-sjogrens/symptoms
https://www.hopkinssjogrens.org/disease-information/

By the time I got my answers and started my treatment it was November and I felt miserable. I quit my retail job in search of a job that would be easier on my joints. Then I felt stuck. I seemed to be dealing with my life altering news by researching and trying to find out what at home remedies would help the pain but this was just another form of denial. It was like when I would obsess over a movie or book or person or band. I would learn so much about them because it kept my mind off of something that was more important. Don't get me wrong I'm still working my way through the grieving process but I'm starting to feel more like me again. I made a video in which I talked about my illness. I started to make short makeup tutorials on Snapchat and also try to post more regularly on Instagram. But I've always wanted to blog so I thought now is the time.

A lot can happen in year so I'm going to try to make good things happen this year.


The pictures below are just some of the small changes an invisible illness can make:
(Left to right)
1.) Swollen lips and bruised chin after lip biopsy to diagnosis
2.) Flushed cheeks and swollen under eyes
3.) Swollen feet and ankles
4.) Swelling of eyelids and under eyes

ALWAYS BE CLOSING


I'm the kind of person who never has trouble getting something started. I have no follow through. I can really enjoy and love doing the thing I've started but I'm always inconsistent. So for my New Year's resolution I've vowed to be a consistent closer. I'm off to a rocky start but I think it's one of those things that will take time. I just have to continue to make myself do things I want to do.

So one of the things I've always really wanted to do is make a beauty/fashion/lifestyle blog. I've never felt like I was good enough at these things to offer my opinions to world and that didn't suddenly change just because I've started this blog. I've just realized that most everybody feels the same way and if I enjoy posting these there shouldn't be anything stopping me. I'm an overthinker and I'm hyper critical. That is why a lot of my projects don't get finished. Thanks to a recent Casey Neistat video (link in the header) I'm going to strive to close instead of perfection.

Another big part of me becoming a closer is to update my YouTube Channel weekly. I've been so bad at this for the past almost three years that I've had my channel. So I'm going to put perfection aside and strive for good because the more you do something the better you get at. I've given myself a task of posting videos every Monday. I've already started the filming process for this Monday's video. I went out filming with my best friend, who is starting a channel also. I think her presence on YouTube will help me become a closer. I'm looking forward to this adventure with her.

This is my first post and I may look back in a week's time and decided it isn't perfect but I need to remind myself that it is good enough and it is finished. I closed.